Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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