So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
