Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
