I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
