your room smells of hookers.
And success
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
