I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Randomize
