Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
