Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
