she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
