some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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