Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
