How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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