im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
