your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
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i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
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Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
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