Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...