I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
