I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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