Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
