we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
