she takes plan B like it's going out of style
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
And then he peed in my hair
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