oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Just cropdusted the office
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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