Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Did I show you my penis last night?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
