my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
