no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
