i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
