I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
