Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
