swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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