Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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