what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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