Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
