I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
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it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
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Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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