Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
