i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
