my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
