And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
