had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
last night I used snow as a chaser
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