I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
