my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
