I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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