I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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