sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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