bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
home. puking in laundry basket.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
