nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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