worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
