What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just want nice things and good sex
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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