There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
