We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
