Whatcha textin bout Willis?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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