Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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