I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I fill condoms, not promises.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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