im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
