I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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