I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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