I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
