God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
